May 20 … the parent’s revenge

When I was about five or six years old I decided that my little sister (four or five at the time) needed a hair cut. So, in the early morning before anyone else was awake, I took a pair of scissors out of the kitchen, had her stand on a chair (because that’s what is done in the barber shop) and started clipping some of her curls. Well, her hair needed to be symmetrical and, as I had only gotten one side, I started to hack at the other. Now the left side was shorter then her right side, so I had to go back to the right and even it up. Before long her hair had gone from just past the middle of her back to just above her earlobes. After destroying her hair I decided that, since I still had the scissors and some hair was getting on her pajamas, I would cut the hair that was on the pajamas off. I mean, naturally, what would you have done? Soon her superman pajamas were in shreds and it was my turn to stand on the chair and let her cut my hair. She had not gotten far when a parent (I can’t remember which one) walked in the room and started yelling about how we weren’t suppose to be using scissors and all that. They were still too late, the damage had been done, the pajamas were thrown away and we were both ushered to the barber shop to have our hair fixed as best they could. My hair wasn’t too bad, but I remember my sister’s had to be trimmed to about her ear level. Looked like some pictures I’ve seen of school girls from back in the 40’s and 50’s.

The Parent’s Revenge has struck again.

I’m at work and I’m nonchalantly doing my thing when I get a phone call. It’s almost quitting time so I hesitate in answering the phone, not wanting extra work at the end of the day. When I do pick it up all I hear is a mixed, incoherent, hysterical babbling coming from the other end. I recognize it as Kristin’s voice and she’s so upset that all she can do is laugh. It was not a comforting laugh either. I asked her to calm down and tell me what’s happened, as I’m getting a little scared now thinking that someone’s been hurt. After a few more, “Oh my god oh my god’s” she said, in a shaky voice, “The girls have cut their hair.” At that point I just laugh a little, not believing, and ask her to repeat that, just to make sure I understand. “The girls got a pair of scissors and have cut each other’s hair. Kate is almost bald and Emma has a mullet.” Preparing for the worst, I close-up shop and go home, all the while picturing Kate with literally no hair, basically clean shaven.

When I get home Nathan is outside walking toward the car while Kristin is in the doorway hollering for him to stay in sight and trying to find two pairs of shoes, one for each girl. It seems all either of us are ever able to find are left shoes of one kind and right shoes of another, it seems like a small miracle when we walk into a room and find a complete set for each child. When Kristin sees me drive up she yells for me to change clothes (from work clothes to regular) and help get the girls out the door. Since Kristin is in the doorway I haven’t seen the girls or their heads and hair (or lack there of) yet. As soon as I get out of the car I see this cute little boy walk around the corner of the house… then I realize it isn’t a cute little boy at all, it’s Emma. “Emma was the one that was suppose to have a little hair left,” I thought to myself, “what in the world is Kate going to look like?” I soon found out, and luckily it wasn’t nearly as bad as I had thought. Seems like they each decided to get rid of their bangs, so they cut each others bangs down to the scalp. Next, they went for those “annoying” curls that had grown down between their shoulder blades. Then, finally, they got those “pesky” little wisps of hair that normally would be tucked behind their ears.

As soon as I got dressed we all pile in the car and were off toward the barbershop. Kelly (Kristin’s best friend who happened to walk in on the tumultuous scene) called ahead to a friend who is a hair stylist and warned her that we would be dropping by in a minute with a hair emergency. When we make our grand entrance to the barbershop everyone just stopped what he or she was doing (it almost seemed they were in mid-clip of their scissors) to look at us. The conversation lulled and then suddenly seemed to center on our hairless children or similar situations the speakers’ family members had been in. After Teddy (the stylist) had laughed herself silly and done the best she could do for the girls (which had been just evening things out) she cut Nathan and Kristin’s hair as well. When that was done we were off to the mall to get the girls ears pierced so the casual observer could tell that these were girls with awful haircuts, not boys wearing pink, flowered shirts and pastel blue jelly sandals.

When we got to the mall Nathan didn’t want to stand around with the women while they did their ear thing, so he and I went walking around the jewelry stores looking at opals (which are my favorite precious stone) for mommy, or camera stores, or any store in general to waste time. Nathan told me he wanted “bellies” meaning Jelly Belly Jellybeans, so our next stop was the candy store. Not being in the mall for the past two years I didn’t know where the candy store had moved. Nathan and I walked from one end of the mall to the other and still didn’t find it. We go back to where the girls are having their procedure done and find out that all that is left is Kate’s left ear everyone else was already done. When we get close to the piercing booth Nathan runs off to be with Kelly and I get to see Kate finishing up. Kate amazed everyone, even the lady running the booth, because she didn’t whimper, cry, or fuss. She just sat there, got her ears pierced, and got a sucker.

We spent the next 30-40 minutes trying to decide where to go for dinner. We ended up going to IHOP. While at IHOP it was the usual diner chaos. The children were going from seat to seat, not wanting to be still. Once they agreed to sit (after the drinks came and they could lay claim to something) they fought over the menus. When the waitress finally came back to take our order we all got something different and substituted every other item for something else, just to make it “exciting” for her. In the middle of ordering the girls had to show off their new “pretty-pretties” in their ears. As soon as the nice, and now abused, waitress left the table Kate proceeded to spill Emma’s drink without Emma noticing. The next time we saw the waitress was when we got a refill with our food, we probably scared the poor woman sterile. Nathan eats all the fruit off the top of his pancake and now tells every in the general vicinity that he is done. When asked if he was going to eat the pancake he grabs the closest jar of syrup and starts to glaze it. The girls are now fighting over how many eggs they have and who ate their pancakes, not to mention that Emma just noticed her drink is empty. Next thing we know, Nathan has filled his plate to the brim with several kinds of syrup and is sloshing his pancake around trying to build a dam to keep a “lake” of syrup from mixing with the rest. Everyone at the table is sticky (even the adults) in places where syrup should never be and we are now making group trips to the bathroom to have a quick shower from the sink and pat-down with paper towels.

Thank goodness, the children fell asleep on the way home from the restaurant. They are fairly easy to put in their beds this time. Once they are down Kristin and I have nothing left to do but laugh at the situation. Sure, everyone has a story about children with scissors; either they’ve done it themselves as children (or in my case as an adult) or their children have done it or a friend’s aunt’s roommate’s daughter did it, but it’s still a little crazy to come home and be greeted by children after they’ve played barbershop with their own hair. I have three children, all with the same amount of hair, that look just alike; the only visible differences between Nathan and the girls, now, are the earrings and the fact that the girls are a bit shorter. Like my mother said, “Don’t worry, in time it will be alright, the hair will grow back.” So, no worries, it will all turn out ok, given some time.

May 11 … how to swim

Swimming: Wading into any body of water you should do so with a style and grace that all around you have to watch in case they dare to venture into the water with you. You dip your big toe to get a general gauge of the water temperature. If that was satisfactory you then get both feet wet by sitting on the side of the pool or walking in up to your ankles. Again, if this is meets your need (be it cold enough or warm enough) it is customary to slowly wade in until your belly button is directly above the crest of the highest wave. Once accustomed to the temperature you are then allowed (by the social mores and norms that is) to do a squat and get everything but your head wet, you are not allowed, under any circumstances, to go into the deep waters yet. Still in shallow waters you may then dunk your head. If all this has come about without incident you are finally allowed to swim to deeper waters.

The above is a step-by-step guide to getting into a swimming pool or the ocean (written by me of course) that should all be thrown away when kids are brought into the picture. Children don’t understand that you are not supposed to do a full body immersion. It’s just wrong! You need to get into a pool slowly to let your body get use to the sudden change of atmosphere and temperature.

This past weekend my In-Laws opened their pool. It didn’t come with a big fan-fare so that the whole neighborhood would know about it, it was just a little gathering of the family and if anyone dared they may get in the cold cold water. Well, children being what they are, mine were the first to announce they wanted to get in the water. My In-Laws had swimmy diapers for the girls and Nathan just jumped on in with underwear and jean shorts. They all had inflatable tubes since they don’t officially know how to swim on their own yet.

That first day in the pool Nathan was swimming from edge to edge having a blast splashing the walls and everyone who got near him. Kate was too, but to a lesser extent and slower. Emma got in up to her knees but that was as far as she cared to go. Every time you got her near the water she would start fussing and eventually screaming. Not wanting to scar her for life I decided not to force it. I, being fully clothed, did not want to get in the water but, after persistence from family members, I finally put my feet in. Kate thought it would be fun to splash the water up my legs and Nathan thought it would be even more fun to get my pants wet; well… at least they enjoyed it. Meanwhile Emma was walking around picking up various leaves, twigs, or dead bugs and trying to throw them into the water. I say try because the wind was blowing against her and my Father-In-Law was standing near by picking up everything that did eventually make it to the water.

The next day my Mother-In-Law called me over because one of our friends brought his daughter over to swim. I got all the children in their swimsuits and herded them on over. Nathan jumped in as soon as he was able to wrench out of my grasp and get a float. The girls took a little more persuading and maneuvering to finish getting into their suits and then into a float. Once they were in their floats, which look like fish (and they call all fish and anything water-related “Nemo’s”), they both jumped in. This time it was almost the exact opposite. Emma was the one that was slowly, but surely, going from side to side, and Kate was the one who didn’t really want to get in the pool. After getting in myself (much to the chagrin of my skin as well as other anatomies since the water was again cold) I was able to convince her that the water wasn’t all that bad. I had to go directly to step three (the belly button one) and had no real desire to go any further. That is, until Nathan took it upon himself to swim behind me and splash water in the small of my back. Since Kate was grasping both my hands in a death grip I couldn’t turn around as quickly as need be and Nathan kept on splashing me, thinking it hilarious. With his laughter being as infectious as it is (worse then the common Cold) I couldn’t get upset with him, but I didn’t want the nasty, almost electric shock of the water hitting my nice warm back. Instead of fighting it I decided to do a full body immersion. Since I was in under my head I decided to play with everyone’s feet under the water, much to their enjoyment.

We spent the next hour and a half just swimming from shallow-to-deep and from side-to-side. I’d go underwater and tickle feet, jump up and splash everyone, or just swim under them and let them stand on my back like a surfboard. Kate and Emma were just floating around flailing their arms and kicking their feet, not really swimming, but just enjoying being outdoors and in the sunlight. Every now and then I would look around and see Kate, or Emma, lay her head on the fish-float’s tail. I would keep looking at her, without her noticing me, and see her smooth the hair out of her face and back over her ears. Emma in particular would do this and get frustrated that the hair, being wet, wouldn’t move as easily as it should. I caught my Mother-In-Law looking at her too and we both thought “Glamour Girl” at the same time. It was just the way she was trying to throw her hair over her shoulder, I don’t know, it was just glamorous. It was almost like she was 20-something and was on a beach trying to get a tan and get the guy’s attentions.

Next on the list of things to do was to start getting out of the pool and jumping in. First Kate climbed up the steps and then walked over to the side closest to me. Once there she asked for my hands. As soon as she got my hands she did a little hop-skip thing and landed in the water in her float laughing hysterically. Emma, seeing sissy do this, immediately climbed the steps and asked to do the same thing. Kate grew tired of this after about the 7th or 8th jump, but Emma kept on. Not only did she keep on jumping in, but she grew more daring. She started going towards the deep end and then she did her last 5 or 6 jumps from the very middle of the deep end, I could hardly touch the bottom. Every time either of them jumped in they laughed and laughed until they got back to the steps and had to concentrate on climbing them again.

Nathan, meanwhile, was still swimming around splashing anything that wouldn’t move fast enough for him. About 30 minutes before I made everyone get out of the pool (yes, I’m an evil dictator and eventually made them get out) he took the initiative to take his tube off and go around the whole pool just by holding on to the side and going hand-over-hand. Grinning widely when he finally made it around he asked if I’d seen what he had done. I did, commended him for it, and asked for him now to go in the other direction, which he gladly did. When he was about 75% of the way around Emma was holding onto the side and in his way. Being stubborn like me, neither of them would get out of each other’s way, nor would they falter in their direction. After a brief shouting match I picked Nathan’s hand and, since he’s got longer arms, showed him how he could go through his sister’s hands and on to the other side. Once that crisis was over and everyone had made their laps was when I started getting everyone out.

While we were getting out, Kate raised her hands straight up into the air. That’s fine and good, except she wasn’t on the steps; she was still a little ways off. When she raised her hands she started to slip out from under her float and into the water. I can still see her face going under: her eyes wide, mouth closed, bubbles coming out of her nose and trapped behind her ears, hair floating around in little swirls. Nathan was on the steps and Emma was already out and complaining about it, so I had to quickly fall to my knees on the cement and plunge my hands into the water to pull her out. When I got her out she didn’t seem to be upset, she didn’t even cry. She gave me a smile and a little wet cough and started complaining about wanting to go back in the water with her brother and sister.

That one second of time when she went under the water will stay in my mind for a long long time. I’m glad she wasn’t harmed and I’m glad she isn’t scared of the water; she actually got in another pool the next day at my Mother’s house. I can’t imagine going through life with just one daughter. I can’t imagine how Emma would feel knowing her sister and then have her taken from her like that. That one second made my heart turn colder then the water ever was and then made it jump up in my throat, then turn around and do a belly-flop in my stomach. As soon as I got her out I hugged her to me, even though she was pushing me away trying to get back to the water. I kissed her wet head and patted her back to make sure she coughed up all the water I had imagined she inhaled. The only thing she seemed worried about, though, was her “Nemo” float.

Everything is as it should be: Kate is running around with no lasting effects, fighting with sister, getting into brother’s things, asking for snacks when she knows she can’t have them, and squashing cats to show them how much she loves them; Emma is running around hitting sister, playing with toys, climbing to the top of brother’s bunk bed, and carrying cats around the house; Nathan is jumping on all the furniture, hitting everyone with various toys (unhappy parents included), asking for snacks every few minutes (I hear this gets worse in the teenage years), and wanting to watch Cartoon Network. It’s funny how when you are little it’s the physical things that you want the most: the biggest bike, the coolest action figure, and the brightest stickers. Now all I want is a little more time: a little more time to play with the children, a little more time to sleep, a little more time to myself, or a little more time to just sit and watch life pass me by while Kristin and the children play in the yard.