Well, I’ve done it now. Don’t know how well anyone in the wide world really knows me, don’t really know how well anyone knows anyone actually, but I’ve gone and done it. For those who don’t know, I’ve been struggling with my faith, or beliefs if you will, for a long time. Really just about as long as I can remember. I mean, as a child I just took what I was told and ran with it, never questioning anything. Then, as a teenager not everything was right with me, not everything was as I thought it should be. So, I wondered, I questioned, I sat and thought and the answers I came up with on my own didn’t always make sense. As teenagers are prone to do, I felt alone, like no one understood me and I was the only one in the world who felt like this. Being the introverted person I am I didn’t feel comfortable talking to anyone about what was going on and I eventually gave up on the church. I mean, no one willingly came to me to tell me anything, I didn’t go out of my way to learn from someone else, my questions didn’t have answers that I considered satisfactory. So, as with lots of other things, I just quit, gave up, stopped, I just was. I categorized myself as Atheist and/or Agnostic not really knowing the difference and not really caring. I still went through the motions, but I figured they were meaningless. I mean, I didn’t have answers so what was the point of playing the religion game, huh? I actually made my own set of beliefs that, albeit similar to what I grew up with, had my own flair to it.
Off an on for at least 15 or 20 years the questions would come back. Why am I here? Who am I, really? What good does doing good to/for others do? What was the point of it all, really? Again, unsatisfactory answers would form in my mind and still being the introvert I wouldn’t talk to anyone. I never went through a dark period (people call that emo now, I think), but I did get moody and sort of rebellious in my own little ways. Nothing as bad as burning down a forest (even though I got blamed… another story) but I did have my bouts of anger pop up now and again. Even today I internalize everything and question it to death before responding outwardly. When I respond, just so I can say I wasn’t wrong, I speak softly and mumble the crap out of a lot of what I say. And if something is gnawing at me I’ll let it sit inside and let it get bigger and bigger. Very seldom do I blow up, but when I do it’s like Krakatoa.
Well, to humor my wife and to placate the children, we started going to a new church around March time frame. Those in my area know NewSpring, those not in the area I suppose you would know it as a mega-church. My first visit was, well, it was overwhelming. I mean, there must have been 500+ people there, the atrium was HUGE and there was rock music blaring out of some stereos loud enough to make my leg hair vibrate. What was going on? This wasn’t church, this was a rock concert, surely. I mean, church was stand up, sit down, crinkle some mint papers, rustle some paper, and then go to Ryans before the other churches got out. Also, 300+ people in a room with me, no sir, not my thing. I mean, I don’t like crowds or anything, even to the point of going to Wal-Mart at midnight or 2am just to stay away from people. Holiday shopping is a nightmare come true for me, well, that and if I was suffocating at the same time (sometimes I feel like I am suffocating in large crowds). Deep breaths, I can manage this.
We send the kids to their appropriate age groups so they can participate in whatever they do and we go into the chapel, I guess you would call it a chapel, it is the area of worship. It looked more like a large movie theater that was staged for a rock concert. My brother and his wife sit next to me, I suppose to make sure I don’t get up and run, and a friend of Kristin’s sits next to her. All in all, it was a fun service and the message was decent and everything was alright. I didn’t catch on fire when I walked in the door and no one shooed me away from anything, no one knew I wasn’t the typical beliver. Everyone just kind of let me do my own thing and left me alone, other then greeting me and making me feel welcome. Every time we came we were reminded that if we had questions we could always ask. No, not me, I’d already worked everything out after putting it through my own internal pepper grinder and I got my own answers, sort of, maybe, I think, kinda. And everyone was nice to us, they remembered us from previous visits, they smiled and opened doors, helped with a dropped shoe and listened to the children if they had something to say. And the messages from the sermons agreed with me. They sometimes called people out on bad behavior, sometimes built people up by reassuring them, sometimes just telling a story with a little interpretation. NewSpring felt good, felt like a place I could go and be myself and not have to worry if I wore the right shoes with the right socks with the right pants and so on, not have to worry if I’m acting correctly, not have to worry. At first I felt apprehension by the sheer magnitude of it, then relieved and comforted just by being there, and then just relieved and comfortable in general – even when I wasn’t at NewSpring. Not that I don’t still have times of crowd suffocation, just that I don’t mind it as much.
In May Kristin signs us up for a membership class. Why not, I mean I’m just gonna be signing my name to a paper, one more club I’ll get a news letter from, whats the big deal? During the membership class they didn’t ask me for anything, they actually babysat the children and fed me a decent meal and tried to push 3 different desserts on me (I only ate 2 of them… and some of Kristin’s). I listened to what they had to say and then my own questions came back. Why was I here? What was my purpose? My own self made beliefs came to the forefront and I started cross-checking them against what they were telling me. Nothing they said disagreed with my own personal religion. At the end of the class we were asked to answer 3 questions. I wanted to be honest and, well, I just couldn’t do this just because everyone else around me was doing it too. Something in the month and a half of attending made me want something truthful and honest to be put down this time, not do it because the cool kids are doing it, not to do it because someone told me to do it, not to do it because it would annoy someone else. I wanted to do this and I wanted to do it right and I wanted to be honest with everyone around me.
So, lots of other people are answering their questions and going off and talking to consolers and getting pictures taken and I’m still sitting here thinking about how I should answer things. Three seemingly simple questions that when I put to my internal test made me not feel right. Not that I was wrong, just, well, I couldn’t just sign my name and go on because I wouldn’t have been honest with myself. I see one of the people who talked to the group at large and I go up to him (you can only go UP to someone who is closer to 7 feet tall then 5). I flat out ask if we can talk. What? Little ‘ole me talking to a stranger? What am I doing? This gentleman’s name is Jake and he takes me aside, sits me down, and asks whats going through my mind. I don’t know. I mean, I can’t answer 3 simple questions and he wants to know what is on my mind? I blabber something incoherent about wanting to be real and that I didn’t know the answers and he just smiles, says it’s alright we don’t have to have all the answers, and we just sit there and talk. He briefly tells me some of his story and I just nod my head and let him talk, taking it all in. He tells me he respects me for wanting to do it this way, truthfully, and not just sign up on a whim. Jake suggests that I read some since I’m still questioning whats going on and come back to him with any questions I may have. Sure, easy for him to say, but he doesn’t know I’ve had questions for a long time and if I can’t answer them then why should he be able to. Kristin and I go home that night and I can’t sleep. The questions keep popping up. I hop on the computer and write down whats going through my mind (us introverts would rather write a paper then talk to a group). Two hours later, at 4 in the morning, I finally hit send. Interestingly enough, Jake answers me a couple days later, and his answers are intelligent and actually make a bit of sense, imagine that.
Ok, enough commentary, what did I do? Well, last Sunday (6/22) I closed my eyes and asked no one in particular, “Am I ready for this?” I just felt all warm and gooey inside, so gooey in fact that it leaked out my eyes. What for, I mean, I was no different, I am still me right? Then I said to myself, “I’m ready, I’m ready for this, what ever will happen will happen, and I’m ready.” While I was saying this to myself everything just felt right, and I knew I really was ready. I pop off an email to Jake and he wants to talk, in person. Thursday (today) I go to see him and again, we just talk. At the end of us talking, again him explaining that I don’t have to have the answers, he asks if I’m ready to accept Jesus. In his office, with the children playing in the next office, my cellphone dieing in my pocket, toenails colored from painting the house, construction workers moving stuff around outside, Kristin at work, sunbeams filtering in through the window; I close my eyes and sit. I just sit and think. What am I doing, is this what I am ready for? Is this what I’ve told myself to believe? Are they coercing me to believe this or am I doing this because I want to? And then, again, to no one in particular, I simply say, “save me… just… save me Jesus.” I honestly and truthfully meant it. I must have been the 3 millionth customer or something because the ceiling opened up and balloons fell down with confetti, freaky clowns jumped out of boxes and started juggling, miniature horses started dancing for the children, it was bedlam… Seriously, it felt like that on the inside. It felt like it was right. It felt good. It felt like something was working, roiling, cogs were marching. I felt like laughing, so I did, and then I teared up for no particular reason and Jake reached over and we prayed.
So, there you have it folks. I’ve accepted Jesus and I’m moving on. I’m no different, I’m still me. I still have my own thoughts and feelings, I am still introverted and goofy. I’m not gonna bible-thump every time I talk to you and I don’t expect you to get all up in arms every time I walk in a room. I didn’t drink kool-aide and I’m not going to brow beat people who don’t agree with me. I’m going to live my little life to the fullest knowing what I know and accept the fact that there are things I don’t know or can’t explain. This was my ingression, my first steps, my entrance into this area. Next will be my immersion. The next time NewSpring has a baptism I hope to take part.
